The demands on the high flying DJs who ply the international club circuit, jetting from one part of the world to the next to lay down their critically cool grooves and often their very own ‘tunes’ are many. It’s a world of high-tech decks and fast-developing sound equipment, computerisation, complex mixes as well as mastering the complexities of the studio and broadcast environment.
We caught up with Birmingham’s hot spinner DJ Grunge Divot here in town to play Club SloBlo and he graciously agreed to an interview telling us about the life of a DJ…from the inside.
You must have studied hard to master the art of DJ-ing.
Well yeah…I had 2 ‘O’ Levels and I was a butcher’s clerk for three years. Then I did three years inside for ‘naughty bits’ and the combination of tallying raw meat and time in the slammer was enough for me to realise that a career as a DJ certainly beat dishwashing, although a tad less technical. Free again and with my Social Security dosh, I walked the high street for hours trying to find the right decks and with the sage advice of my cousin Rodney chose my first ‘rig’. Then with hours of practice in my council house bedroom under my belt, I pretended I was head DJ at the local community centre and then played my local boozer nightly for free for seventeen years. Looking back, those were the tough years.
How about the physical side?
Well I’ve been lucky as I am an ugly bastard and very few chicks want a shagging from me. They call me The Zitmeister and I gather that’s a term of endearment in the DJ world – a close-knit community where we try desperately to steal each other’s gigs and trash our competitor’s CD stash.
I meant the physical side of DJ-ing?
Oh yeah…err…it’s exhausting racking your brain about which jeans to wear every night and should you put ketchup on your toast? Then the actual spinning of the discs is frightening ‘cause if you get the wrong cue, you might play something the punters like and then your reputation is trashed in a heartbeat. And actually carrying all those thumb-drives to gigs with millions of tracks no-one will ever hear is really stressful….and a typical gig means I may play as many as 50 tracks of shit music I hate, and you can imagine how stressful that is. Even getting paid in cash can be exhausting carrying all those used notes to the nearest Bangkok girly bar where I am deeply loved for myself.
And the secret of getting punters up and vibing to your grooves?
Well that’s mainly down to the supply of good blow and Ecstasy. There is so much we can do of course such as playing interesting music that gets them up and dancing and grabbing at my bollocks in their excitement. We can also get abusive through the mike and that and tell the ones not dancing what pathetic prats they are. My personal favourite is paying the bouncers to lock all the exits and then I announce that there’s a major fire underway. Works every time!
Isn’t that illegal?
It’s not…is it?
You must have met many famous people on your travels…
Well….yeah!
Is there anyone who most impressed you?
Yeah well…meeting Posh Spice was pretty overwhelming. I could hardly keep up with her as she ran for her car. Her boyfriend is some football geezer who nutted me as I tried to touch her ass for her…err…autograph. I saw him on the telly next night and God knows what she sees in him…never even scored during the match I saw. Comes across as a bit of a retard actually – nutting me like that in public. David Backward I call ‘im.
Anyone else?
Well I did meet Mahatma Gandi at Bombay Airport one time. He was in the Business Class lounge with some other Indians and I sat next to him after the serving girl told me who he was. I asked Gandhi what he thought of western civilization and he replied, ”I think it would be a good idea.” Everybody laughed but I didn’t get it…so I nutted him! In fact I am not very lucky when it comes to meeting people from the east. An Afghanistani once nutted me at another airport when I told him the reason the Taliban are not circumcised is because it gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm! He was not amused and had to be carried away screaming. Maybe he’s not a Drums N Bass fan!
Other famous encounters?
Well I must be the only guy who ever nutted Paris Hilton!
You head-butted Paris Hilton?
I was working in a scabby Hollywood bar when Paris Hilton comes up to me and seductively signals that I should bring my face close to hers. Then she begins to gently caress my beard which was then full and bushy.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking my face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” I replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she asks, running her hands up beyond my beard and into my hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” I gasped, obviously getting a bit aroused.
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is,” she says. “I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into my mouth and allowing me to suck them gently. “Tell him,” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ toilet.”
Needless to say I gave her a right effin’ nutting!
Has being a DJ changed your life in any way?
Well…..yeah!
Err…in what way specifically?
Well not specifically and that…but I have developed a fairly profound love of music and stuff…like records and music and my Walkman and stuff. I never used to like music much before I started out as a DJ. I always wanted to be a stalker ‘cause I fancied Martina Navratilova, the gorgeous tennis chick. Then I made the headlines in The Sun once when I got caught by the cops stealing women’s knickers off of neighbour’s washing lines.
I was really proud of that newspaper headline: ‘Nick The Knicker Knocker Nicked’.
